So, it seems that there are alot of you stopping by, lurking if you will...most come from a few other blogs that I read on a regular basis. I certaintly don't think my prose or story is nearly as interesting, moving as those other blogs...but I would love to know who you all are.
I also want to know if you, too, are sharing your individual stories via blogland. This experience has shown me that our community is VERY large, indeed and I would like to support as many of you as possible and share the trials and tribulations.
Let yourselves be known!!--I promise not to bite.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Friday, January 21, 2005
Blabbermouth
When to tell? Pete and I are agonizing on when to tell people about our good news. I had my 7 week appointment this morning and things seem to be progressing smoothly. The baby is measuring CRL 10.5mm at 7 weeks, 1 day. I am 7 weeks, 2 days-so I guess that is good. The heartrate is at an acceptable rate of 142bpm...my underachiever is now an overachiever.... My HcG is at 60,095 and my progesterone is mainting over 40....all good signs.
My biggest fear is that I will be jinxing something by telling people. On the other hand, if something bad were to happen, we would have more people to be supportive. I have told some people--a few close friends at work, a few close girlfriend, both sets of parents and siblings--and a couple of clients--it's difficult to show clients 10 houses in a day without munching on something to fight off the queasiness and use the bathroom in some vacant houses and NOT provide an explanation. My sisters are so over the moon excited they keep bugging me about buying me stuff, and when to register, etc.... So, with the impending snow storm this weekend and being couped up, I think we will start spreading the news...I hope it's not too soon.....
My biggest fear is that I will be jinxing something by telling people. On the other hand, if something bad were to happen, we would have more people to be supportive. I have told some people--a few close friends at work, a few close girlfriend, both sets of parents and siblings--and a couple of clients--it's difficult to show clients 10 houses in a day without munching on something to fight off the queasiness and use the bathroom in some vacant houses and NOT provide an explanation. My sisters are so over the moon excited they keep bugging me about buying me stuff, and when to register, etc.... So, with the impending snow storm this weekend and being couped up, I think we will start spreading the news...I hope it's not too soon.....
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Acceptance
I am slowly beginning to accept my condition. I've really had no choice--althought it's been fairly easy to ignore this pregnancy--I really don't have too many symptoms and the symptoms I do have I believe to be a result of the overstimulated ovary. My boobs hurt mostly at night when I get up to pee, slight queasiness in the afternoon and some headaches. Other than that, I don't have full blown morning sickness, my boobs aren't growing by leaps and bounds, nor am I hungry all the time--so all in all, I don't really feel pregnant, just a bit under the weather with a slight stomach flu and nasal congestion. Easy to forget isn't it? Until I remember that I am now responsible for this little bean inside of me, and that I shouldn't really be skipping meals and remembering to take my prenatal vitamins....I already suck as a mom.
Slowly this is beginning to change. I almost cried today when I couldn't book an appointment with the recommeded OB. If all goes well over the next 2 weeks, I will be released to my regular OB at 8 weeks. It turns out that the OB/GYN I've been seeing for 3 years prior to starting with a Reproductive Endocrinologist, no longer delivers babies and only does GYN. No big deal--I'll just go to another doc in the practice. Afterall, this practice helped bring my 2 of my beautiful neice and nephew into the world. So I go ahead and make an appointment with another doc in the practice. I was not thrilled with the change but knew that in practices this size, you normally see more than one doc anyway. Until my sister tells me that the doc who is now my primary OB is "Dr. Doom". He apparently told my sister, when pregnant with my neice that he couldn't tell her if her pregnancy was viable due to some spotting she was experiencing....not a doctor I want to even think exists. The last thing I need is an alarmist for an OB. So I promptly called my RE for a recommendation...indicating that I don't want an alarmist. My case nurse was actually laughing at me on the phone. So she finally gets back to me 3 days later and givesme the name of 4 doctors, of which 2 participated in my insurance plan. Of the 2, only 1 was local enough for me to go to when I was 8 months pregnant and not wanting a 25 minute drive. Turns out--she is no longer accepting new patients--so I ended up making an appointment with her parnter--all the way crying about it. I felt jipped (sp?) but I suppose since he is the Director of the OB Residency Program at the Regional Hospital it should be fine.
I started spotting this week--not bright red--but more like brown gunk. Because it was brown, rather than red or even pink, I chose not to freak out. Now, I am still having period-like cramps but wasn't alarmed at all over the spotting. I confirmed this all with my case nurse today and she, too said brown is ok--period-like bleeding is not. I think I've turned a corner ladies and gentlemen. Pete couldn't understand how I wasn't freaking out. I just feel that if I find out that I am going to miscarry via some spotting--it's probably too late anyway and nothing I can do. Fatalistic? Yes--I need to take control over this pregnancy a bit and not freak out so much. I am a regular lurker, and occassional poster on a well known pregnancy message board. I feel like I need to limit my time on this board. Aside from the cattiness that occurs (hello people, can we grow up here?) and the drama--there is so much worry. I really can't handle it.
We go tomorrow morning for another ultrasound. I can't wait to see and hear my bean's hearbeat again---hopefully a bit faster this time. Thank you to all of you who reassured me over the heartrate. If all is good--I think I might need to rename this blog...any suggestions?
Slowly this is beginning to change. I almost cried today when I couldn't book an appointment with the recommeded OB. If all goes well over the next 2 weeks, I will be released to my regular OB at 8 weeks. It turns out that the OB/GYN I've been seeing for 3 years prior to starting with a Reproductive Endocrinologist, no longer delivers babies and only does GYN. No big deal--I'll just go to another doc in the practice. Afterall, this practice helped bring my 2 of my beautiful neice and nephew into the world. So I go ahead and make an appointment with another doc in the practice. I was not thrilled with the change but knew that in practices this size, you normally see more than one doc anyway. Until my sister tells me that the doc who is now my primary OB is "Dr. Doom". He apparently told my sister, when pregnant with my neice that he couldn't tell her if her pregnancy was viable due to some spotting she was experiencing....not a doctor I want to even think exists. The last thing I need is an alarmist for an OB. So I promptly called my RE for a recommendation...indicating that I don't want an alarmist. My case nurse was actually laughing at me on the phone. So she finally gets back to me 3 days later and givesme the name of 4 doctors, of which 2 participated in my insurance plan. Of the 2, only 1 was local enough for me to go to when I was 8 months pregnant and not wanting a 25 minute drive. Turns out--she is no longer accepting new patients--so I ended up making an appointment with her parnter--all the way crying about it. I felt jipped (sp?) but I suppose since he is the Director of the OB Residency Program at the Regional Hospital it should be fine.
I started spotting this week--not bright red--but more like brown gunk. Because it was brown, rather than red or even pink, I chose not to freak out. Now, I am still having period-like cramps but wasn't alarmed at all over the spotting. I confirmed this all with my case nurse today and she, too said brown is ok--period-like bleeding is not. I think I've turned a corner ladies and gentlemen. Pete couldn't understand how I wasn't freaking out. I just feel that if I find out that I am going to miscarry via some spotting--it's probably too late anyway and nothing I can do. Fatalistic? Yes--I need to take control over this pregnancy a bit and not freak out so much. I am a regular lurker, and occassional poster on a well known pregnancy message board. I feel like I need to limit my time on this board. Aside from the cattiness that occurs (hello people, can we grow up here?) and the drama--there is so much worry. I really can't handle it.
We go tomorrow morning for another ultrasound. I can't wait to see and hear my bean's hearbeat again---hopefully a bit faster this time. Thank you to all of you who reassured me over the heartrate. If all is good--I think I might need to rename this blog...any suggestions?
Friday, January 14, 2005
An underachiever
I firmly believe that if you lose your sense of humor during the tough times, you've lost everything. With that in mind, our baby is already an underachiever. Now while it is ok for DH to call my right ovary the Death Star, due to it's inflated size, he gets mad at me for calling our baby an underachiever.
We went in this morning for our 2nd ultrasound. The baby is measuring 2 days ahead at 6w4d, (we were told it is about the size of a tic tac) and we saw (and heard) the heartbeat. What a wonderful moment. The heartbeat is 115bpm. Now, why ruin a moment like this? Because I am who I am, and refuse to change. I am now concerned that this is a bit too low. Everthing I read says the heart rate should be at least 120bpm, so of course I am a bit freaked out. Nevermind that the doctor didn't seem the least bit concerned and that I go to the best RE practice in the state and probably 3 states. I know better--shouldn 't my motherly instincts have already set in?
Comparing the size of the baby with a tic tac was right on the money--it will be amazing if this child doesn't deliver with a tic by the time it is born and with all the worrying I am doing.
We went in this morning for our 2nd ultrasound. The baby is measuring 2 days ahead at 6w4d, (we were told it is about the size of a tic tac) and we saw (and heard) the heartbeat. What a wonderful moment. The heartbeat is 115bpm. Now, why ruin a moment like this? Because I am who I am, and refuse to change. I am now concerned that this is a bit too low. Everthing I read says the heart rate should be at least 120bpm, so of course I am a bit freaked out. Nevermind that the doctor didn't seem the least bit concerned and that I go to the best RE practice in the state and probably 3 states. I know better--shouldn 't my motherly instincts have already set in?
Comparing the size of the baby with a tic tac was right on the money--it will be amazing if this child doesn't deliver with a tic by the time it is born and with all the worrying I am doing.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Waiting
Waiting, waiting, waiting....oh god....if this is how it's going to be for the next 8 months or so...I'll take it. It's the evening before we go to see the heartbeat. All I can think about is seeing the heartbeat--will we see it? how fast will it be? which doctor will be on call tomorrow morning? should I shower before we go at 6:00 am? what will my reaction be? will DH put the magazine down long enough to see what I see? I hope we see something. I can't bear to get the courage and strength up to do this all over again with IVF--again with no guarantees.
I will now allow myself some guilty pleasure and start talking about my pregnancy. (did I write that? is this my life?)
I do nothing but think about this pregnancy ALL DAY LONG. It'll be amazing if this baby doesn't come out with a tic--I can be so neurotic! I also had my first encounter of morning sickness today. I had NO IDEA that this naseous feeling came from so deep within. I thought the pit of my stomach was going to erupt and cause an internal tsunami. I also didn't want to do anything other than lie down and close my eyes all day. I am so thankful that I don't commute into the city anymore. I don't know how pregnant women who commute do it. I have exactly a 3 minute commute to work and I couldn't get there on time today because I felt so awful this morning.
Well--I'm going to take a nap until DH gets home when I will send him to the diner for mashed potatoe take-out.
I will now allow myself some guilty pleasure and start talking about my pregnancy. (did I write that? is this my life?)
I do nothing but think about this pregnancy ALL DAY LONG. It'll be amazing if this baby doesn't come out with a tic--I can be so neurotic! I also had my first encounter of morning sickness today. I had NO IDEA that this naseous feeling came from so deep within. I thought the pit of my stomach was going to erupt and cause an internal tsunami. I also didn't want to do anything other than lie down and close my eyes all day. I am so thankful that I don't commute into the city anymore. I don't know how pregnant women who commute do it. I have exactly a 3 minute commute to work and I couldn't get there on time today because I felt so awful this morning.
Well--I'm going to take a nap until DH gets home when I will send him to the diner for mashed potatoe take-out.
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Bad Blogger
Ok-- I suck as a blogger. I see that I have not posted in 13 days. Not out of laziness--I assure you--but out of fear. Let's catch you all up: I did indeed double from the first HcG. I went from 87 to 181 and was told to come back a week later for the all-so-exciting ultrasound. I had my first ultrasound last Friday and in fact, there was a little sac. Apparently there was also a yolk sac inside that sac. How they know that baffles the hell out of me--how can they see that? I tend to believe that if I can't see it--it ain't so. I now need to go back this Friday to see if there is a heartbeat. Now this is where the fear hits a fever pitch.
Since my BFP--I've thought I've had every malady out there--ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, blighted ovum, appendicitis, etc. I can't help these hyperchondriac tendencies and they are rampant! I've given alot of thought to this the past few days and I think it's difficult to come to terms with the fact that your body is NOT broken when you get a BFP. When dealing with infertility, you slowly learn to accept that your body is broken. When you finally get that BFP, you wait for the "other shoe to drop". That is what I've been doing.
It doesn't help that I lurk on 'TTC" websites and read the most awful stories and situations some of these women endure. My heart goes out to them while I am envious of their focus and strength. My tendencies run so deep, that my own sister refuses to send me "What to Expect when Expecting". Too bad my other sister gave me her copy.
In any case--2 more days until we hope to see a heartbeat...send along all your good baby vibes!
Since my BFP--I've thought I've had every malady out there--ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, blighted ovum, appendicitis, etc. I can't help these hyperchondriac tendencies and they are rampant! I've given alot of thought to this the past few days and I think it's difficult to come to terms with the fact that your body is NOT broken when you get a BFP. When dealing with infertility, you slowly learn to accept that your body is broken. When you finally get that BFP, you wait for the "other shoe to drop". That is what I've been doing.
It doesn't help that I lurk on 'TTC" websites and read the most awful stories and situations some of these women endure. My heart goes out to them while I am envious of their focus and strength. My tendencies run so deep, that my own sister refuses to send me "What to Expect when Expecting". Too bad my other sister gave me her copy.
In any case--2 more days until we hope to see a heartbeat...send along all your good baby vibes!
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